kar•ma
the force generated by a person’s actions held in Hinduism and Buddhism to perpetuate transmigration and in its ethical consequences to determine the nature of the person’s next existence,
a characteristic emanation, aura, or spirit that infuses or vitalizes someone or something.
{Started this post Almost a year ago…}
Karma. That thing that you always thought that if you were a decent person living a decent life, you’d get the “good” kind and never the “bad.”
What goes around comes around, though and when you least expect it, that bitch named Karma slaps you clear across the face and tries to drown you. In my case, all my parent’s dreams came true when I started having children. Yesterday was my exception to my karmic way of life as we admitted our 14-year old daughter to an inpatient psychiatric center for suicidal ideation. With a plan and everything.
Heavy
My heart hurts…it’s heavy, and no one is responsible but me. I am Mom. You may say, “Oh heaven’s no, you’re not responsible!” Or, “Teenagers will test you, but they’ll turn out just fine!”
But you don’t know Keely.
This one is an exception to the rules, maybe like I was at her age. Usually happy, flitting around like a little butterfly and completely naïve – until this year. Her 8th-grade year in a parochial school system that we’ve always trusted and known as family had turned ugly somehow. Even though we appreciate her start in elementary, we should have pulled her out and started public middle school.
You may not agree or may think that her school life only makes up a part of who she is, but at this age, social acceptance is detrimental to confidence, friendships, and forging ahead to high school with high hopes. Instead, my daughter, teased, by peers and ridiculed by 8th-grade teachers, concluded that Catholicism isn’t a good fit. She started questioning teachers about aspects of the Catholic religion and in response, her grades dropped.
Keely is one who I believe is a ‘old soul.’ She has always held different outlooks on topics that seem to go way above her friends heads. She doesn’t conform easily and argues that there is another way to do something. Oh, she’ll ask why plenty but that doesn’t mean she’ll accept your answer – she’ll form her own opinion and forge ahead knowing she is at least partly right. All her life she’s been in and out of different social circles, never really clinging to one BFF because she doesn’t think she’s like all her peers. And she’s right – she’s open-minded, more mature than most, and doesn’t waste time on fads or trends.
THE Social Media Curse
Problem is, her dad and I thought social media would be an okay addition to her social makeup. Turns out, specific groups in the cloud introduce your young ones to topics, ideas, and ways of living that they just may not be ready for. Our daughter joined a community of depressed, anxious and lonely people and I know she thought she could help fix anyone by sending out good vibes and being there when people need someone, no matter the harm it does her. Through her social media channels, she found particular trends that helped her figure out why she’s so different from her classmates. She is determined to have an answer before moving on…so she obsesses.
She dug into the lives of people she watched on YouTube, slowly taking over their characteristics, recreating their environments and wanting to be just like them. She’s impressionable to a point because she can’t explain herself in ways that people her age understand. They just look at her as an outcast, dismissing her opinions and excluding her from their cliques.
Of course, reading about other’s struggles and situations, she just knew that was her problem, and she decided she didn’t want to be here anymore. Keep in mind, this little one burst into tears when hearing about a friend she made long ago that committed suicide but as I carefully asked if she had ever thought…. she quickly said, “Oh no Mom! I could never ever do that. Never do that to you.” Suicide became a heavy thought, and to a certain extent, of course, it’s for attention…her dad and I have had such troubles the past three years I’m surprised all ours haven’t left. But attention isn’t everything in her case; she honestly feels different from everyone and wonders why she had to be the weird, unpopular one.
This kills me slowly, and I feel lost. I have had these feelings most my life but always thought my parents were right: I have issues, and I’m not normal.
So, I feel like I must stand by idly, waiting for her to need me as she once did. Waiting for her to get through this phase unscathed and come out on the other side smarter and alive. The hardest thing I’ve done is leave her in that psychiatric center…alone, scared, sad. Flashbacks of my stay while a teenager kept choking me the entire time we answered intake questions. Will her roommate be as psychotic as mine was? Will they take her shoelaces, so she doesn’t try to hang herself in her room? Will they videotape her in the shower to make sure she doesn’t use her razor blade? Will she want to come home and they won’t let her? Man, my mind wouldn’t stop.
All this beautiful mess, all on Mother’s Day weekend. Not getting the mother of the year award any time soon, that’s fo shore.
♥ – jen.
Society attacks early when the individual is helpless.”
-B. F. Skinner
jen | again. 